Father's Day was this past Sunday. I didn't make getting a card for Bryan a priority and as a result he didn't get one this year. Every year when I look for a father's day card for him I don't know if I should get him one that says "DAD" on it or find a different type of card that's generically for any man or a special one for step-dads. He's not my real dad and knowing that I kind of hold off on the 'real dad' cards this time of year. He's an amazing person though. He stepped in as dad to my brothers and I and he really didn't have to. Especially not to the extent that he has. I'm so thankful for him.





























I was struck by the fact that I didn't even think of my real dad at all on Father's Day. He's almost been gone a full year now. Occasionally I'll think of him and wish I could call him but on Father's Day, he just slipped on by and that makes me really sad. I really miss him and wish he was still around for me to wish him a happy father's day even though he rarely calls me or even though he's an alcoholic or even though he never seems to make an effort. He was still my daddy and I still love him. I miss him a lot.

Broken but glued back together

"Man is broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."
-Eugene O'Neill

I read this in a book recently (Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies) and it kind of stuck with me. The whole book is about her life and thoughts on faith. I don't remember now what particular story she was sharing or how the quote even ties in but the quote itself stuck out to me.

I was born broken. I was born a sinner. God knows this. I will never be "all together". I will never have it all figured out and be the person with it all figured out and have nothing wrong. But God knows all this. It amazes me how patient God is. He knows I'm a crappy person and I screw up quite frequently and that there's no hope of me ever having it all together. but he's given me his grace to help me out. He knows I live in a broken, impure, imperfect, shattered state of being; and even though there's really no hope of me ever being otherwise, God has provided his grace as glue so that although there will be scars, cracks and other evidence of my faults, I can have the hope of being made new in Christ. All by the grace (and glue) of God.

Glorified in Me

This morning in church we sang a song where the chorus just repeats the phrase "be glorified in me". That phrase really got me thinking. how often is God glorified in what I do, think, or say? Honestly, He isn't often. Actually, God is probably more ashamed of me than he is delighted in me. I want to glorify God through how I live but so often I get side tracked by my earthly desires to do what I want to do, or what "sounded good at the time".

The sermon today was about being good stewards of our money and other resources God has given us. At the end where our pastor challenged us, he asked 4 questions about our attitudes toward our money and how we spend it. His first question was do we think about God when we spend our resources? For me, I translated it to how often do I think about God when I do anything, let alone take care of the resources He's given me. Our pastor went on to say that he was at Hobby Lobby yesterday and bought a picture for their bedroom. He said he never once thought about God as he bought that picture. That may seem insignificant but to me it stuck out. Why would our pastor feel the need to mention that story? Probably to illustrate how he didn't think about God as he was spending the money God gave him. To me, I thought about how even in the smallest things like buying a picture from Hobby Lobby can still be done in such a way that it glorifies God.

I do so many activities, both big and small, where I don't think about God. It's hard to glorify God in my life if I don't have my mind set on Him. I do want God to be glorified in me. I don't think others would pick up on that in my life at the moment though. Something to work on this week.

God and cars

I love the book of James. It's my absolute favorite mainly because it's so practical and straight forward. My favorite verses that I've taken to heart since high school is in James chapter 4. It says "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you...Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." (James 4:7-8, & 10) I think the reason I chose this as a primary life verse is because God is telling me as a Christian that as long as I take that first step of faith towards Him, He will meet me there. It's like a 'meet me half way' concept but it's not even half way. As long as I make an effort to go to God, He will meet me where I'm at and help me the rest of the way. It's so great to know that God won't leave me hanging in this crazy life on earth. He's there to help me and guide me along the way. I just have to take that first step and trust that God will be there to catch me.

I was at a Campus Crusades for Christ meeting yesterday where one of the speakers gave a great analogy for this concept. Picture a car. That car represents God. The gas represents the holy spirit and I represent the driver. If I get in the car but don't do anything, I'm not going to go anywhere. Even if I try to step on the gas pedal, without gas in the car the car still won't move. Now I fill the car up with gas. I get back in the car but it still doesn't go anywhere. I have to make the first move. I have to step on the gas pedal and the car will take off and take me to where I need to be. I may know about God and that's all fine and dandy but it's nothing without having the Holy Spirit in my life. But even with knowing Christ and having the Holy Spirit in my life still won't get me any closer to my final destination. I need to make the first move to put me in motion. Once I step on the gas, the car does most of the work. I just have to go with it and trust that it will take me to where I need to go. Once I make that first move with God, all I have to do is trust that He'll get me to where I need to be.

Stealing God's Thunder

I've made a new friend recently who seems like a really cool guy to get to know. He volunteers with me on Mondays and occasionally I'll run into him on campus and we'll have a few minutes to talk before he has to head to class. He's a great Christian guy. I mean really on fire for God and sharing it with all his friends and pretty much everyone else in his path. He's all about witnessing and doing all he can to show God to everyone else. How awesome!!

Recently though, I've been getting kind of frustrated with him. I know about a good majority of his clubs that he's involved in and what he likes and what he believes in but he's yet to ask about me at all. Every time we talk it's always about theology and witnessing and religion and I just wish that sometimes he'd ask about me. I was first going to title this post "too much of a good thing..." because my line of thinking for the majority of the evening has been about how maybe being too focused on witnessing and religion to the point where it bypasses building a good friendship isn't a good thing. But as I have talked it out to a few close friends I've come to realize that all I'm doing in entertaining that line of thought is trying to steal God's thunder. It's not about me. We are two Christians and when we get together, we should be focused on our Creator. Not on each other. His passion to talk about God in every day conversation whenever he can is an awesome trait. Especially on a campus like IU where not everyone is willing to entertain such topics. And so when we as Christians get together, that should be all we talk about. God and his amazing-ness.

God, I'm sorry for being selfish and letting my personal desire for the spotlight attempt to override your rightful place of being the main focus.

Christian favortism?

I just finished reading a book entitled I Sold My Soul on Ebay. It's written by Hemant Mehta, the "friendly atheist". What Mehta did was hold an ebay auction where the highest bidder (bidding on Mehta himself) would be able to tell Mehta where to attend church for a given amount of time. The winner sent Mehta on a journey to visit many different churches and during this journey, Mehta wrote down his thoughts in this book. Basically it's a book about what churches do right and what churches do that put off 'outsiders'. I really enjoyed reading this book and getting the opinion of a nonchristian about how effective or not effective a church, and witnessing in general, is.

A running theme that Mehta comments on continuously is how Christians seem to only favor in helping other Christians...primarily those who are apart of their own congregation. In one section he mentions schools and how some churches put a lot of time and resources into constructing a private school as opposed to putting resources and time into a school already established with low income struggling children. He writes, "I wonder why the churches that have resources and an interest in education can't help out a public school in a part of town where students are struggling...Why do churches tend to create something that is separate and specifically "Christian," rather than pitching in to help improve the work being done at existing schools in the neighborhood?" He concludes this section saying, "The more work churches do for everyone, not just to help Christians but to come to the aid of all needy people, the more respect the church will get from outsiders." Another example aside from the schools is how some businesses advertise that they are a Christian businesses. As I read about this I thought of a bulletin board I pass when I drive back to school in Bloomington after a visit home. It's for a painting business that advertises the Jesus fish indicating it is owned and operated by Christians. That's all fine and dandy but why is it necessary? Is advertising the fact that you are a Christian make yours a better business than this other business over here? Mehta expresses, "The implication to me is that nonChristians are not good enough to do business with. Or maybe the assumption is that Christians are necessarily more skilled..." As such, Mehta views some Christians as taking part in an elitist group partaking in religious exclusivity. It's like a Christian country club. Heaven should be the country club for Christians. We aren't at the club yet. We're on our way but meanwhile we should try to recruit as many friends to sign up as we can.

Another issue he brings up a few times is the use of practicality over not. In the very last chapter of this book, Mehta talks about missions trips and as I read it, I could only nod my head in agreement. He writes, "I've heard church groups talk about having gone to faraway countres, and the accomplishment they seem to be proudest of was the building of a church in the area they visited. This isn't to say they didn't also bring food, vaccines, and other useful items to the people they were helping, but the newly built church seemed to be what they wanted everyone to know about. My response is that a church building by itself won't help anyone--it's what the people of the church do that makes a difference. By the same token, many churches boasted about their rate of planting new churches. However, starting a new church is nothing to be proud of--not unless that church is working to improve and serve it's community, including all the people who live there. In situations where Christians limit their help to other Christians, the church seems to be more a religious club than a true ministry to others."

Now let me clarify in saying that there is definitely something to say about the sole fellowship of being with other Christians that one gets in a church service. However, on the other hand, if one of the church's goal is to reach the outside, shouldn't it strive to be accommodating to those we're trying to reach? Building churches in countries that don't have them is great but for those who are starving and dying from diseases won't care about the new building up the road from their village unless the people in that new building has practical ways to show what that new building is actually for. James 2:15-17 says, "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go. I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing bout his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action is dead". Whether they are a brother or not, if someone is cold and hungry they'll care more about how you care for them and provide for them than they will about what you say alone.

Mehta uses another example. Handing out Bibles is a very good thing to do. One of the churches did this to everyone living in a certian zip code on the south side of Chicago. Mehta argues though that "a book teaching children how to improve their study skills would have helped the children with their education much more than a Bible could." I both agree and disagree with this comment but his main point is a valid one. Showing Christ to someone or to a community isn't just building church buildings or trying to shove a Bible into someone's hand. It's about providing practical services such as serving meals or providing free handiwork or other services to show that we as Christians care for everyone, not just our own in-group of fellow Christians. Jesus didn't hang out at the synagogue all the time. He was spending time with those people who were kicked out and shunned by the religious people.

I've heard a saying that went something like "People won't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Basically why would anyone want to hear what you have to say to them if they're turned off by your actions (or lack there of) towards them. If a Christian seems snobbish and has an "holier than thou" attitude they are less likely to get a nonbeliever to listen to them with an open mind than someone who got to know the person they are trying to reach. Maybe took them out to lunch or did some other random act of kindness without expecting pay back. Coming from an atheist: "If you want to get through to nonreligious people, you need to first understand where they are coming from." I'm a believer of building relationships with my "target people", or those I want to try to lead to Christ. Once a friendship is established and I've demonstrated that I want to be their friend and know them as a person and not just regard them as an "outsider" in an 'Us verses Them' conflict, then they would probably be more likely to hear what I have to say about Christ.

I Sold my Soul on Ebay is definitely a good book to read over such topics concerning the church, Christians and their attitudes and behaviors. Want to know what you as a Christian look like to someone who doesn't believe what you do? Read what the friendly atheist has to say. He even gives advice.

Prayer

A friend was visiting this weekend and stayed with my roommate and I. One of the free nights we had, her and I decided to walk around a nearby park and enjoy the extremely nice weather. She started telling me a little more about her personal story and life as of the past couple of years and one thing that she said stuck out to me. She's like "I believe in specific prayer." When she first said that I was like uh, ok. But then she went into more detail and started telling me about how she prayed for specific things that she wanted in a home church and community (that she was currently without at the time) and amazingly enough God answered all of her specific prayer requests in two days time. WOW! It was way cool to hear her talk about how God answered her prayers and she's like "you know Heather, some people complain about how they just don't see God working or they don't see God show up in everyday life. It's because they don't ask Him to." She went on to talk about how if you pray for something on general terms ("Dear God, please let me have a good day"), you won't necessarily notice God. But if you pray for something specific, you will get a definite answer. Granted, it may not be the answer you wanted but an answer nonetheless. In my friend's case, had she just prayed to find a good church...well there are plenty of good churches around her area. If she finds one it could be an answer to prayer but again, it could just be chalked up to "not a big deal" scenerio. However, she prayed for things like wanted to feel like she was welcomed and belonged in that church the first time she attended, a chance to partake in a ministry involving the youth and their community, friends and a social network outside of work. God answered all those specific prayers within two days of her 2nd week Sunday there. She felt very welcomed and was invited to a BBQ by a family who knew she had just moved and didn't have family in town to celebrate the 4th of July. The next day the youth pastor called saying that one of the female leaders had to back out of a youth retreat and knew she was interested in helping with the youth group and wanted to know if she'd like to join their retreat. She made friends quickly and is very actively helping lead the youth group right now.

I guess the moral of this life story would be this: if you want to see God show up and do big things, you need to pray and ask God to do those big things. Then you'll be looking for it and when it happens (providing it's God's will in the first place), you'll see it and know God definitely showed up.

What God must feel like sometimes...

Earlier this week a very close friend of mine and I got into an argument and as a result she hasn't talked to me since. I've tried to send her txts and online messages apologizing but she's refusing to answer back and has since blocked me from trying to reach online. At first I thought it was silly how upset she got and that she'd come around and we'd be talking again like usual and she still might come around and start talking to me again but for the past week I've been really frustrated and rather upset that she won't give me the light of day. I really wish she'd come back and talk to me. Honestly, at this point I don't really care if all she did was yell at me and everything she said to me was negative. Half of it would probably be true anyway. Atleast then she'd be talking to me and we'd get things out in the open. This whole silence deal and being ignored even after my persistent txt messages and IMs is probably more hurtful than anything she'd say verbally. I've known her for 6 years and nothing before has shut her off like it has now. It feels like 6 years is going down the drain over one verbal argument and despite my best efforts, she isn't willing to work it out. Does 6 years of friendship and loyalty not mean anything to her? Do I mean so little that she's ok with just completely shutting off all interaction?

I had a thought today that my situation with my friend is a lot like how it must feel like to God when I get mad at Him or when I just choose not to talk to or spend any time with Him, even despite His promptings and gentle urgings for me to spend time with Him. I haven't spent as much time with God since moving to Bloomington. I've had a serious personal relationship with Him since 7th grade and all through jr. high and high school, we've maintained a good relationship. And then college started at IUSB. Things were still going well until I decided to move to Bloomington and attend IU. It's so easy to stay up late Saturday night and then be too tired and just decide to skip Sunday morning services when it's only me going by myself. It's also very easy to be consumed with classes, homework, working at the BGC and trying to have a social life to be too busy to spend any time in personal quiet time with God. I've even gone days without thinking to pray. Even with Sunday night college Connexion and the small reminders God sends everyday to let me know He's very much real and present in everyday life, I still often choose to ignore Him and not give him the attention He not only wants from me but very much deserves from me. I can't help but think how I'm feeling now by being ignored by my friend is very similar to how God feels when I choose to ignore Him.

I need to work more on my end of my relationships, especially with God, before getting upset about how others don't hold up their end. God hasn't given up on me even though I've chosen to ignore Him more often than I care to admit. I need to get that relationship back to where it should be. And then I guess all I can do is pray that my relationship with my friend will someday go back to how it used to be. God hasn't given up on me. I'm not going to give up on my friend. I really hope she talks to me soon.

Undignified

"Undignified"

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

Chorus:
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness

But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side

And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness

But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Than this

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la

It's all for You my Lord!

That is a song I learned from my church here in Bloomington and I love it. It's such an upbeat fun song to sing that puts me in a good mood. But not only is it just a fun song to sing...it's a great song in principle too.

I've been reading a book titled unChristian and the chapter I'm currently on is about hypocrisy and how nonchristians view Christians as being hypocritical. That chapter really hit home for me. I can be very hypocritical about my faith and love for God. I'm a people pleaser and don't like standing out in a crowd, so much so that I'll keep my faith quiet and sometimes I'll say one thing in front of one group of people and then turn around and say something totally different to another group.

It's like I'm trying to save face with both groups of people but this song is talking about becoming undignified for Jesus. I looked up the word 'dignity' online (because I like knowing what big words mean) and this is what I found:
dig·ni·ty (dgn-t)n. pl. dig·ni·ties

1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.

2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.

3.

a. Poise and self-respect.

b. Stateliness and formality in manner and appearance.

4. The respect and honor associated with an important position.

5. A high office or rank.

To be undignified as it is in this song then would mean to not save face but to give up all manners of earthly status and respect and to sink to the lowest of lows, just to praise God. It's essentially praising and worshiping God with everything I have and no regard for what anyone else is thinking of or about me.

I've been to a charismatic church before where it seems nothing is done in an orderly fashion. People are interrupting the service all the time with "praise God", "Hallejua" and whatever else they feel like yelling out, they can't seem to stand still when singing songs and I've been to one service where everyone prays out loud at the same time! At the time I thought it was really odd and weird and very different than the church I remember growing up in where everything is done "properly", the pastors are the only ones that speaks and prays while everyone is sits quietly and still until the service is over. But now I look back and think how cool! Those people didn't care what they looked like when they were jumping up and down during the song or dancing in the aisle way. And they weren't ashamed to just say whatever was on their heart during the "pray-along" when everyone prayed at the same time, or during the service when the pastor said something that struck home to any individual.

It just seems that today people are more self conscious of what they look like and they have to keep everything in check for their public reputation...my self included. God should be the one more dignified and worthy of respect and honor. It's not all about me. It's about God and I only need to be worried about what God thinks of me...not what the person in the other pew (or down the hall or across the street or whatever) thinks about me.

I will become even more undignified than this.

Happy Easter!

I found this definition of naivety at urbandictionary.com. It kind of makes me smile when I read it. "Lacking experience with everyday life...stupidly innocent...." That's pretty much me. I don't claim to know everything. In fact, I claim to know very little. I'm not a very out going kind of person and some may chalk that up to being shy and/or insecure and I'm sure that has something to do with it. If I don't know what people are talking about in a conversation, very rarely will I contribute to that conversation. I'm not a fan of putting myself out there if I don't think I'm right. I have a very big fear of being shot down by anybody. It's such a fear that I would rather sit in silence and not involve myself socially that chance saying something "stupid" or completely wrong and off base.

One thing I do know, however...is that today is Easter Sunday and unlike many children these days, I know that Easter is much more than plastic easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. Jesus is alive! Jesus conquered death on this day and because of that I know that no matter how "stupidly innocent" I may be (and let me assure you that I am very much stupidly innocent...with a tad bit of just plain stupid tacked on), Jesus died for me and he rose again for me. He was thinking of me during all of it. Jesus will never shoot me down. He may lovingly point out what I did wrong or correct my opinion and ideas, but I know it's not in a "let's make fun of the stupid thing Heather said now" way. He'll never walk away from me or patronize me (Another huge fear and pet peeve of mine. I hate to be patronized. Yet again why I'd rather sit in silence than offer an opinion or idea). Jesus loves me unconditionally and that is something I do know for certain against all my lacking in everyday experience and stupidity.

I hope you have a happy easter. Don't forget what it's really about and Who loves you despite your own lack of everyday experience...or even with the experience you do have.

Bruce Willis vs. Tom Hanks

At the risk of psycho-analyzing myself (something I usually hate doing on a general basis. I hate psychology), I have spent the last half hour trying to figure out why I would much rather watch Die Hard or True Lies or any other action pack film rather than something like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, or You've Got Mail, or any other chick flic sporting the latest Hollywood couple (although, I thought Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks worked really well together). I've always told people that I think a building, car, plane or boat blowing up in flames was more believable than falling in love and actually getting together with the "perfect" guy. Always too often in those chic flick movies, the guy is pretty much gorgeous with amazing eyes, the perfect body and a decent social status...whether that means he's some kind of royalty or he's pretty high up in his job market or in society all together. I watch those movies and want to scream "That doesn't happen in the real world! It's not reality!" and then I turn the movie off feeling more rejected and alone than I did before I wanted to relax in front of the tv on a Friday night with nothing better to do than stay in and watch a movie alone. I like watching action movies with Bruce Willis or the 'Govenator', where sure there are still some good looking male actors that I will never have the chance of dating, let alone meeting, but the bad guy always loses--if not killed--and the good guy is left at the end as the hero walking away from the explosion that happened just behind him. There isn't much romance and if there is, it's because they were already together (not some chance meeting and then you watch how they just fell for each other in some blissful turn of fate) or it's James Bond and you know they're just messing around and nothing serious will come of it so there's no sense in wishing and dreaming of a relationship like that when the movie is over. (unless of course you want a one night stand with Pierce Bronson...which I'm sure many wouldn't mind.) I just think full out gun fights, explosions and blood where the good guy comes out on top is much more believable than falling in love with Prince Charming and having an amazingly blissful love story. Call me a cynic. I'm just not a fan of that "aww, I wish I could be her and fall in love with him and have that kind of relationship but I'm not that pretty and no guy that good would ever want me. yadayadayada" feeling. That's kinda like willingly setting myself up for rejection in the privacy of my own home. Why put myself through that? I want to feel good at the end of a movie, not like a rejected, worthless loser who stays home instead of going out on Friday night dates.

I have a feeling that even after I have some kind of make-shift "perfect" relationship, I'll probably still pick the fight 'em up, blow 'em up type movies over those reflecting a relationship (something I'd be able to relate with by that time). I'm just not that kind of person. Besides, you would think I'd be able to find a guy quicker with my anti-chick flick quality. What guy wouldn't give anything to have his gf prefer guns and fire over love and romance? and yet, I'm still single. Go figure.

Not even the amazing body of Matthew McConaughey or the awesome British accent of Hugh Grant (Honestly both actors greatly annoy me beyond words and I would rather watch paint dry than either of them...ever) or even Tom Hanks' charm will win over Die Hard's Bruce Willis or True Lies' 'Arnold Schwarzenegger (who has a rather humorous accent himself).

Bruce Willis will win over Tom Hanks any day in my world.

Patience? No thankyou.

I am not a patient person. Not in the slightest. I hate to cook. I don't have the patience for it. When I'm hungry, I want to eat now. I don't want to cook something that'll take longer than 15 minutes for it to be done. I'm hungry. I want food now. If I'm not hungry, I see no reason to start cooking anything. So there goes the whole "starting cooking dinner before you're hungry" argument. Doesn't work for me. When I'm driving, I tend to speed....alot. I want to get where I'm going quickly. I'm just not a patient person.

Unfortunately that goes with dating also. Granted, I haven't been in a relationship in over 5 years now and some would counter that as being very patient. Not so. It has been my experience that I tend to initiate and be "too available" when I find a guy I think I would like. I initiate way more than any girl should. Not sexually or anything. But I'll initiate convos, I'll even ask him out first. I'll stalk them on facebook and initiate the friend request. They may all seem like little things but I'm a firm believer in male chivalry. (can ya tell? haha). I'm kinda old fashion in that I believe the guy should pay and open doors and carry books and be the man. I just get too frustrated and bored waiting around for it to happen so I try to make it happen. And apparently that scares them away.

Another issue I have is that I don't like easing my way into things. It's like with cooking and driving. I want to eat it now. I want to get there now. I don't want to ease my way into it inch by inch. With dating, I don't want to do the whole lets be friends, and then lets maybe hang out outside of class/work with some other mutual friends. And then lets maybe go out on our own and then maybe we can go watch a movie at your place or at mine. Eventually we might hold hands and have our first kiss and slowly work our way into a very serious relationship. I know that's all good and the best way to do things and on some deep inner level I do want that progression but as a fleshy human being I want to be serious and talking about rings right now. I was talking to my roommate and she mentioned how some of her relatives get engaged very quickly. They meet, date for 3 months, get engaged and married a year later if not sooner. I'm like "yes! That's the way to go!" Obviously I know you need to have some kind of foundation friendship type relationship where you really get to know each other to even know if you're compatible and give yourself enough time to talk it over with God and other people about it first. I realize that is a very important step, even before two people start a dating relationship. I just want to have the secure knowledge of having a boyfriend who likes/loves me and wants to spend time with me and be with me. And as I continue to say, I want that now!

They say patience is a virtue. However, I will probably always be a very impatient person who would rather have ramon noodles over a steak only because it takes half as long to prepare. And I'm sure I haven't received my last speeding ticket yet. I'm working on it though. I'm only 21. I'm young. Plenty more living left to do. What's the rush, right?

I want to hurry it up so I can go ahead and settle down.

What do I want to be when I grow up? Good question...

So being a junior in college, I feel like I should have at least somewhat of a general idea or direction for my life. Many of my friends go on and on about how they want to do this or they're doing that in life and I just sit there and think, well crap. I'm studying sociology right now and I really enjoy it but how beneficial will it actually be in the long run? I know I absolutely love volunteering at Lifeline. Wouldn't trade that for anything. But could I really handle Kari's job? I'm not sure I'm the person that would be good working there as a full timer, planning lesson plans for small group or organizing trips and dinners and other activities. I just like going along for the ride. But after volunteering there I know I'd like nothing more than to be a "big kid" for an occupation. I would really love to work at a youth guidance organization like Lifeline.

Not so much the Boys and Girls Club though. After working there this year I realized that organization is more like a babysitting gig than anything else. I'd rather be a volunteer than a staff member. Volunteers have all the fun. They're the ones that get to actually play with the kids. We staff have to keep patrolling the room and can't spend too long in one area for fear of another area getting out of control. I don't want to do that. I want to work with kids (actually, I'd rather work with middle schoolers) but I don't want to just babysit them. (Case in point: Today I was sitting on a couch with one of the older kids who was sitting all by herself. I started up a convo about her day and trying to see why she was just chilling alone and not playing with the others. My boss comes around the corner and says "Get up Heather" in a voice that implies I should know better than to be taking time out of patrolling to have a convo with an individual child.) Maybe that's one reason I love Lifeline so much. I was able to build relationships there. I was able to spend some one on one time with the girls and not just babysit them but actually get to know them and their life outside of the club house. That's what I want to do. I want to actually know a kid by circumstance. Not just by name. I want to be able to ask them how this or that is going specifically, not just in general. I want them to know I care about them as an individual. At the BGC, I find it hard to know specifics about any one child because we have to keep an eye on all the kids there. There's no time for some serious one on one with them. I guess I just want to feel like I really make a difference to the youth in which ever community I happen to find myself in. And who knows, I may make a difference and an impact at the BGC, but I feel very limited and I don't want to be limited in showing that I care about them.

I think I've decided I want to work in a Christian based organization as opposed to a public or state based one. With Lifeline, we were able to openly share our faith to the girls there. At the BGC, since it's state based and funded, obviously religion isn't a part of it. Separation of church and state deal. Knowing me, I need to be in a religiously grounded organization for my own accountability and benefit. But not only that, I just feel that I can be a better witness where I can teach the love of Christ openly. I've wrestled with this a while now and will probably continue to wrestle with it until I land a job somewhere. Which would be more beneficial for sharing Christ: working at a Christian organization such as Lifeline where I can openly present the Gospel or working at a state based organization such as the BGC or Girls, Inc. (similar to Lifeline, except state funded) where I may be the only version of Christ's love they'll ever meet. I know many of the kids at the BGC don't go to church or live in Christian homes and may not have any other contact with the love of Christ on a daily basis. I've gotten both opinions and they both made very good arguments. It's just something I need to keep praying about. Where can God better use me?

I want to do something that matters. I mean, really matters. Not to say that those majoring in engineering or biology or art or whatever don't matter because they very much do. I just want to do something directly. I want to have an impact directly on someone that is in an everyday type of importance, not on special occasions like being sick and needing a doctor type of importance. My roommate is majoring in flute performance and she loves it. I know that can impact people but to me (and I may be somewhat biased seeing as how music just isn't a passion of mine. It's something I participated in when in high school but now it's over and I moved on.) I just think that if you play an instrument, it's like you play a concert, people attend, they clap, you bow, it's over and everyone goes home. Very rarely will it have a deep earth shattering impact on someone's life. I want to be apart of someone's earth shattering impact. I want to help mold and mentor and guide those younger than me. I want to be someone others can look up to and think back and say "she was important to me for this specific reason. She helped me through this. She taught me that. She was my friend and listened when everyone else was too busy." I want to be that person. I don't think any amount of schooling will help train me to be that person though. I think it's just something you have or don't have. I just hope and pray I could be that kind of person. I just want to make a difference in someone's life.

Another dream of mine is to start a foster or group home. There's a family affiliated with First Baptist that started a group home and I just think that's so cool that they were able to do that. There are so many children that need homes but more importantly need to know that someone loves them, even if it isn't their own parents. I would love to run a group home or be able to adopt children. (I know many people say they want to adopt children when they get married but few actually apply and fewer still are acceptable candidates.) Of course this dream really depends on whether or not I get married and if God provides an income that would allow for a group home or adoption to be possible. Hence why it is a dream and not really a goal I have found worth pursuing or holding my breath for...yet.

Now, the burning question is am I on the right path to be able to achieve any of this? Am I right person even? Sometimes I wonder if I'm even good enough to consider myself able to be a mentor to a child or teen. I'm not eloquent and often don't know what kind of advice to give, let alone how to say it. I do find great comfort in the story of Moses and the burning bush when I think of my inadequacy of speech. Moses wasn't eloquent either. He stammered apparently. But God still choose him to be the spokesperson and leader to bring His people out of Egypt. I have a passion to lead and mentor middle and high school youth, girls especially. I've been told that not everyone is given that passion. It's like how it takes a special person to be a teacher. I've been told it takes a special person who wants to be around teens and pre teens and actually enjoys it. I honestly don't think God would give me this passion and not expect me to put it to use. I just hope I'm going about it the right way...