What God must feel like sometimes...

Earlier this week a very close friend of mine and I got into an argument and as a result she hasn't talked to me since. I've tried to send her txts and online messages apologizing but she's refusing to answer back and has since blocked me from trying to reach online. At first I thought it was silly how upset she got and that she'd come around and we'd be talking again like usual and she still might come around and start talking to me again but for the past week I've been really frustrated and rather upset that she won't give me the light of day. I really wish she'd come back and talk to me. Honestly, at this point I don't really care if all she did was yell at me and everything she said to me was negative. Half of it would probably be true anyway. Atleast then she'd be talking to me and we'd get things out in the open. This whole silence deal and being ignored even after my persistent txt messages and IMs is probably more hurtful than anything she'd say verbally. I've known her for 6 years and nothing before has shut her off like it has now. It feels like 6 years is going down the drain over one verbal argument and despite my best efforts, she isn't willing to work it out. Does 6 years of friendship and loyalty not mean anything to her? Do I mean so little that she's ok with just completely shutting off all interaction?

I had a thought today that my situation with my friend is a lot like how it must feel like to God when I get mad at Him or when I just choose not to talk to or spend any time with Him, even despite His promptings and gentle urgings for me to spend time with Him. I haven't spent as much time with God since moving to Bloomington. I've had a serious personal relationship with Him since 7th grade and all through jr. high and high school, we've maintained a good relationship. And then college started at IUSB. Things were still going well until I decided to move to Bloomington and attend IU. It's so easy to stay up late Saturday night and then be too tired and just decide to skip Sunday morning services when it's only me going by myself. It's also very easy to be consumed with classes, homework, working at the BGC and trying to have a social life to be too busy to spend any time in personal quiet time with God. I've even gone days without thinking to pray. Even with Sunday night college Connexion and the small reminders God sends everyday to let me know He's very much real and present in everyday life, I still often choose to ignore Him and not give him the attention He not only wants from me but very much deserves from me. I can't help but think how I'm feeling now by being ignored by my friend is very similar to how God feels when I choose to ignore Him.

I need to work more on my end of my relationships, especially with God, before getting upset about how others don't hold up their end. God hasn't given up on me even though I've chosen to ignore Him more often than I care to admit. I need to get that relationship back to where it should be. And then I guess all I can do is pray that my relationship with my friend will someday go back to how it used to be. God hasn't given up on me. I'm not going to give up on my friend. I really hope she talks to me soon.

Undignified

"Undignified"

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

Chorus:
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness

But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side

And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness

But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Than this

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la

It's all for You my Lord!

That is a song I learned from my church here in Bloomington and I love it. It's such an upbeat fun song to sing that puts me in a good mood. But not only is it just a fun song to sing...it's a great song in principle too.

I've been reading a book titled unChristian and the chapter I'm currently on is about hypocrisy and how nonchristians view Christians as being hypocritical. That chapter really hit home for me. I can be very hypocritical about my faith and love for God. I'm a people pleaser and don't like standing out in a crowd, so much so that I'll keep my faith quiet and sometimes I'll say one thing in front of one group of people and then turn around and say something totally different to another group.

It's like I'm trying to save face with both groups of people but this song is talking about becoming undignified for Jesus. I looked up the word 'dignity' online (because I like knowing what big words mean) and this is what I found:
dig·ni·ty (dgn-t)n. pl. dig·ni·ties

1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.

2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.

3.

a. Poise and self-respect.

b. Stateliness and formality in manner and appearance.

4. The respect and honor associated with an important position.

5. A high office or rank.

To be undignified as it is in this song then would mean to not save face but to give up all manners of earthly status and respect and to sink to the lowest of lows, just to praise God. It's essentially praising and worshiping God with everything I have and no regard for what anyone else is thinking of or about me.

I've been to a charismatic church before where it seems nothing is done in an orderly fashion. People are interrupting the service all the time with "praise God", "Hallejua" and whatever else they feel like yelling out, they can't seem to stand still when singing songs and I've been to one service where everyone prays out loud at the same time! At the time I thought it was really odd and weird and very different than the church I remember growing up in where everything is done "properly", the pastors are the only ones that speaks and prays while everyone is sits quietly and still until the service is over. But now I look back and think how cool! Those people didn't care what they looked like when they were jumping up and down during the song or dancing in the aisle way. And they weren't ashamed to just say whatever was on their heart during the "pray-along" when everyone prayed at the same time, or during the service when the pastor said something that struck home to any individual.

It just seems that today people are more self conscious of what they look like and they have to keep everything in check for their public reputation...my self included. God should be the one more dignified and worthy of respect and honor. It's not all about me. It's about God and I only need to be worried about what God thinks of me...not what the person in the other pew (or down the hall or across the street or whatever) thinks about me.

I will become even more undignified than this.

Happy Easter!

I found this definition of naivety at urbandictionary.com. It kind of makes me smile when I read it. "Lacking experience with everyday life...stupidly innocent...." That's pretty much me. I don't claim to know everything. In fact, I claim to know very little. I'm not a very out going kind of person and some may chalk that up to being shy and/or insecure and I'm sure that has something to do with it. If I don't know what people are talking about in a conversation, very rarely will I contribute to that conversation. I'm not a fan of putting myself out there if I don't think I'm right. I have a very big fear of being shot down by anybody. It's such a fear that I would rather sit in silence and not involve myself socially that chance saying something "stupid" or completely wrong and off base.

One thing I do know, however...is that today is Easter Sunday and unlike many children these days, I know that Easter is much more than plastic easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. Jesus is alive! Jesus conquered death on this day and because of that I know that no matter how "stupidly innocent" I may be (and let me assure you that I am very much stupidly innocent...with a tad bit of just plain stupid tacked on), Jesus died for me and he rose again for me. He was thinking of me during all of it. Jesus will never shoot me down. He may lovingly point out what I did wrong or correct my opinion and ideas, but I know it's not in a "let's make fun of the stupid thing Heather said now" way. He'll never walk away from me or patronize me (Another huge fear and pet peeve of mine. I hate to be patronized. Yet again why I'd rather sit in silence than offer an opinion or idea). Jesus loves me unconditionally and that is something I do know for certain against all my lacking in everyday experience and stupidity.

I hope you have a happy easter. Don't forget what it's really about and Who loves you despite your own lack of everyday experience...or even with the experience you do have.

Bruce Willis vs. Tom Hanks

At the risk of psycho-analyzing myself (something I usually hate doing on a general basis. I hate psychology), I have spent the last half hour trying to figure out why I would much rather watch Die Hard or True Lies or any other action pack film rather than something like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, or You've Got Mail, or any other chick flic sporting the latest Hollywood couple (although, I thought Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks worked really well together). I've always told people that I think a building, car, plane or boat blowing up in flames was more believable than falling in love and actually getting together with the "perfect" guy. Always too often in those chic flick movies, the guy is pretty much gorgeous with amazing eyes, the perfect body and a decent social status...whether that means he's some kind of royalty or he's pretty high up in his job market or in society all together. I watch those movies and want to scream "That doesn't happen in the real world! It's not reality!" and then I turn the movie off feeling more rejected and alone than I did before I wanted to relax in front of the tv on a Friday night with nothing better to do than stay in and watch a movie alone. I like watching action movies with Bruce Willis or the 'Govenator', where sure there are still some good looking male actors that I will never have the chance of dating, let alone meeting, but the bad guy always loses--if not killed--and the good guy is left at the end as the hero walking away from the explosion that happened just behind him. There isn't much romance and if there is, it's because they were already together (not some chance meeting and then you watch how they just fell for each other in some blissful turn of fate) or it's James Bond and you know they're just messing around and nothing serious will come of it so there's no sense in wishing and dreaming of a relationship like that when the movie is over. (unless of course you want a one night stand with Pierce Bronson...which I'm sure many wouldn't mind.) I just think full out gun fights, explosions and blood where the good guy comes out on top is much more believable than falling in love with Prince Charming and having an amazingly blissful love story. Call me a cynic. I'm just not a fan of that "aww, I wish I could be her and fall in love with him and have that kind of relationship but I'm not that pretty and no guy that good would ever want me. yadayadayada" feeling. That's kinda like willingly setting myself up for rejection in the privacy of my own home. Why put myself through that? I want to feel good at the end of a movie, not like a rejected, worthless loser who stays home instead of going out on Friday night dates.

I have a feeling that even after I have some kind of make-shift "perfect" relationship, I'll probably still pick the fight 'em up, blow 'em up type movies over those reflecting a relationship (something I'd be able to relate with by that time). I'm just not that kind of person. Besides, you would think I'd be able to find a guy quicker with my anti-chick flick quality. What guy wouldn't give anything to have his gf prefer guns and fire over love and romance? and yet, I'm still single. Go figure.

Not even the amazing body of Matthew McConaughey or the awesome British accent of Hugh Grant (Honestly both actors greatly annoy me beyond words and I would rather watch paint dry than either of them...ever) or even Tom Hanks' charm will win over Die Hard's Bruce Willis or True Lies' 'Arnold Schwarzenegger (who has a rather humorous accent himself).

Bruce Willis will win over Tom Hanks any day in my world.

Patience? No thankyou.

I am not a patient person. Not in the slightest. I hate to cook. I don't have the patience for it. When I'm hungry, I want to eat now. I don't want to cook something that'll take longer than 15 minutes for it to be done. I'm hungry. I want food now. If I'm not hungry, I see no reason to start cooking anything. So there goes the whole "starting cooking dinner before you're hungry" argument. Doesn't work for me. When I'm driving, I tend to speed....alot. I want to get where I'm going quickly. I'm just not a patient person.

Unfortunately that goes with dating also. Granted, I haven't been in a relationship in over 5 years now and some would counter that as being very patient. Not so. It has been my experience that I tend to initiate and be "too available" when I find a guy I think I would like. I initiate way more than any girl should. Not sexually or anything. But I'll initiate convos, I'll even ask him out first. I'll stalk them on facebook and initiate the friend request. They may all seem like little things but I'm a firm believer in male chivalry. (can ya tell? haha). I'm kinda old fashion in that I believe the guy should pay and open doors and carry books and be the man. I just get too frustrated and bored waiting around for it to happen so I try to make it happen. And apparently that scares them away.

Another issue I have is that I don't like easing my way into things. It's like with cooking and driving. I want to eat it now. I want to get there now. I don't want to ease my way into it inch by inch. With dating, I don't want to do the whole lets be friends, and then lets maybe hang out outside of class/work with some other mutual friends. And then lets maybe go out on our own and then maybe we can go watch a movie at your place or at mine. Eventually we might hold hands and have our first kiss and slowly work our way into a very serious relationship. I know that's all good and the best way to do things and on some deep inner level I do want that progression but as a fleshy human being I want to be serious and talking about rings right now. I was talking to my roommate and she mentioned how some of her relatives get engaged very quickly. They meet, date for 3 months, get engaged and married a year later if not sooner. I'm like "yes! That's the way to go!" Obviously I know you need to have some kind of foundation friendship type relationship where you really get to know each other to even know if you're compatible and give yourself enough time to talk it over with God and other people about it first. I realize that is a very important step, even before two people start a dating relationship. I just want to have the secure knowledge of having a boyfriend who likes/loves me and wants to spend time with me and be with me. And as I continue to say, I want that now!

They say patience is a virtue. However, I will probably always be a very impatient person who would rather have ramon noodles over a steak only because it takes half as long to prepare. And I'm sure I haven't received my last speeding ticket yet. I'm working on it though. I'm only 21. I'm young. Plenty more living left to do. What's the rush, right?

I want to hurry it up so I can go ahead and settle down.

What do I want to be when I grow up? Good question...

So being a junior in college, I feel like I should have at least somewhat of a general idea or direction for my life. Many of my friends go on and on about how they want to do this or they're doing that in life and I just sit there and think, well crap. I'm studying sociology right now and I really enjoy it but how beneficial will it actually be in the long run? I know I absolutely love volunteering at Lifeline. Wouldn't trade that for anything. But could I really handle Kari's job? I'm not sure I'm the person that would be good working there as a full timer, planning lesson plans for small group or organizing trips and dinners and other activities. I just like going along for the ride. But after volunteering there I know I'd like nothing more than to be a "big kid" for an occupation. I would really love to work at a youth guidance organization like Lifeline.

Not so much the Boys and Girls Club though. After working there this year I realized that organization is more like a babysitting gig than anything else. I'd rather be a volunteer than a staff member. Volunteers have all the fun. They're the ones that get to actually play with the kids. We staff have to keep patrolling the room and can't spend too long in one area for fear of another area getting out of control. I don't want to do that. I want to work with kids (actually, I'd rather work with middle schoolers) but I don't want to just babysit them. (Case in point: Today I was sitting on a couch with one of the older kids who was sitting all by herself. I started up a convo about her day and trying to see why she was just chilling alone and not playing with the others. My boss comes around the corner and says "Get up Heather" in a voice that implies I should know better than to be taking time out of patrolling to have a convo with an individual child.) Maybe that's one reason I love Lifeline so much. I was able to build relationships there. I was able to spend some one on one time with the girls and not just babysit them but actually get to know them and their life outside of the club house. That's what I want to do. I want to actually know a kid by circumstance. Not just by name. I want to be able to ask them how this or that is going specifically, not just in general. I want them to know I care about them as an individual. At the BGC, I find it hard to know specifics about any one child because we have to keep an eye on all the kids there. There's no time for some serious one on one with them. I guess I just want to feel like I really make a difference to the youth in which ever community I happen to find myself in. And who knows, I may make a difference and an impact at the BGC, but I feel very limited and I don't want to be limited in showing that I care about them.

I think I've decided I want to work in a Christian based organization as opposed to a public or state based one. With Lifeline, we were able to openly share our faith to the girls there. At the BGC, since it's state based and funded, obviously religion isn't a part of it. Separation of church and state deal. Knowing me, I need to be in a religiously grounded organization for my own accountability and benefit. But not only that, I just feel that I can be a better witness where I can teach the love of Christ openly. I've wrestled with this a while now and will probably continue to wrestle with it until I land a job somewhere. Which would be more beneficial for sharing Christ: working at a Christian organization such as Lifeline where I can openly present the Gospel or working at a state based organization such as the BGC or Girls, Inc. (similar to Lifeline, except state funded) where I may be the only version of Christ's love they'll ever meet. I know many of the kids at the BGC don't go to church or live in Christian homes and may not have any other contact with the love of Christ on a daily basis. I've gotten both opinions and they both made very good arguments. It's just something I need to keep praying about. Where can God better use me?

I want to do something that matters. I mean, really matters. Not to say that those majoring in engineering or biology or art or whatever don't matter because they very much do. I just want to do something directly. I want to have an impact directly on someone that is in an everyday type of importance, not on special occasions like being sick and needing a doctor type of importance. My roommate is majoring in flute performance and she loves it. I know that can impact people but to me (and I may be somewhat biased seeing as how music just isn't a passion of mine. It's something I participated in when in high school but now it's over and I moved on.) I just think that if you play an instrument, it's like you play a concert, people attend, they clap, you bow, it's over and everyone goes home. Very rarely will it have a deep earth shattering impact on someone's life. I want to be apart of someone's earth shattering impact. I want to help mold and mentor and guide those younger than me. I want to be someone others can look up to and think back and say "she was important to me for this specific reason. She helped me through this. She taught me that. She was my friend and listened when everyone else was too busy." I want to be that person. I don't think any amount of schooling will help train me to be that person though. I think it's just something you have or don't have. I just hope and pray I could be that kind of person. I just want to make a difference in someone's life.

Another dream of mine is to start a foster or group home. There's a family affiliated with First Baptist that started a group home and I just think that's so cool that they were able to do that. There are so many children that need homes but more importantly need to know that someone loves them, even if it isn't their own parents. I would love to run a group home or be able to adopt children. (I know many people say they want to adopt children when they get married but few actually apply and fewer still are acceptable candidates.) Of course this dream really depends on whether or not I get married and if God provides an income that would allow for a group home or adoption to be possible. Hence why it is a dream and not really a goal I have found worth pursuing or holding my breath for...yet.

Now, the burning question is am I on the right path to be able to achieve any of this? Am I right person even? Sometimes I wonder if I'm even good enough to consider myself able to be a mentor to a child or teen. I'm not eloquent and often don't know what kind of advice to give, let alone how to say it. I do find great comfort in the story of Moses and the burning bush when I think of my inadequacy of speech. Moses wasn't eloquent either. He stammered apparently. But God still choose him to be the spokesperson and leader to bring His people out of Egypt. I have a passion to lead and mentor middle and high school youth, girls especially. I've been told that not everyone is given that passion. It's like how it takes a special person to be a teacher. I've been told it takes a special person who wants to be around teens and pre teens and actually enjoys it. I honestly don't think God would give me this passion and not expect me to put it to use. I just hope I'm going about it the right way...