What do I want to be when I grow up? Good question...

So being a junior in college, I feel like I should have at least somewhat of a general idea or direction for my life. Many of my friends go on and on about how they want to do this or they're doing that in life and I just sit there and think, well crap. I'm studying sociology right now and I really enjoy it but how beneficial will it actually be in the long run? I know I absolutely love volunteering at Lifeline. Wouldn't trade that for anything. But could I really handle Kari's job? I'm not sure I'm the person that would be good working there as a full timer, planning lesson plans for small group or organizing trips and dinners and other activities. I just like going along for the ride. But after volunteering there I know I'd like nothing more than to be a "big kid" for an occupation. I would really love to work at a youth guidance organization like Lifeline.

Not so much the Boys and Girls Club though. After working there this year I realized that organization is more like a babysitting gig than anything else. I'd rather be a volunteer than a staff member. Volunteers have all the fun. They're the ones that get to actually play with the kids. We staff have to keep patrolling the room and can't spend too long in one area for fear of another area getting out of control. I don't want to do that. I want to work with kids (actually, I'd rather work with middle schoolers) but I don't want to just babysit them. (Case in point: Today I was sitting on a couch with one of the older kids who was sitting all by herself. I started up a convo about her day and trying to see why she was just chilling alone and not playing with the others. My boss comes around the corner and says "Get up Heather" in a voice that implies I should know better than to be taking time out of patrolling to have a convo with an individual child.) Maybe that's one reason I love Lifeline so much. I was able to build relationships there. I was able to spend some one on one time with the girls and not just babysit them but actually get to know them and their life outside of the club house. That's what I want to do. I want to actually know a kid by circumstance. Not just by name. I want to be able to ask them how this or that is going specifically, not just in general. I want them to know I care about them as an individual. At the BGC, I find it hard to know specifics about any one child because we have to keep an eye on all the kids there. There's no time for some serious one on one with them. I guess I just want to feel like I really make a difference to the youth in which ever community I happen to find myself in. And who knows, I may make a difference and an impact at the BGC, but I feel very limited and I don't want to be limited in showing that I care about them.

I think I've decided I want to work in a Christian based organization as opposed to a public or state based one. With Lifeline, we were able to openly share our faith to the girls there. At the BGC, since it's state based and funded, obviously religion isn't a part of it. Separation of church and state deal. Knowing me, I need to be in a religiously grounded organization for my own accountability and benefit. But not only that, I just feel that I can be a better witness where I can teach the love of Christ openly. I've wrestled with this a while now and will probably continue to wrestle with it until I land a job somewhere. Which would be more beneficial for sharing Christ: working at a Christian organization such as Lifeline where I can openly present the Gospel or working at a state based organization such as the BGC or Girls, Inc. (similar to Lifeline, except state funded) where I may be the only version of Christ's love they'll ever meet. I know many of the kids at the BGC don't go to church or live in Christian homes and may not have any other contact with the love of Christ on a daily basis. I've gotten both opinions and they both made very good arguments. It's just something I need to keep praying about. Where can God better use me?

I want to do something that matters. I mean, really matters. Not to say that those majoring in engineering or biology or art or whatever don't matter because they very much do. I just want to do something directly. I want to have an impact directly on someone that is in an everyday type of importance, not on special occasions like being sick and needing a doctor type of importance. My roommate is majoring in flute performance and she loves it. I know that can impact people but to me (and I may be somewhat biased seeing as how music just isn't a passion of mine. It's something I participated in when in high school but now it's over and I moved on.) I just think that if you play an instrument, it's like you play a concert, people attend, they clap, you bow, it's over and everyone goes home. Very rarely will it have a deep earth shattering impact on someone's life. I want to be apart of someone's earth shattering impact. I want to help mold and mentor and guide those younger than me. I want to be someone others can look up to and think back and say "she was important to me for this specific reason. She helped me through this. She taught me that. She was my friend and listened when everyone else was too busy." I want to be that person. I don't think any amount of schooling will help train me to be that person though. I think it's just something you have or don't have. I just hope and pray I could be that kind of person. I just want to make a difference in someone's life.

Another dream of mine is to start a foster or group home. There's a family affiliated with First Baptist that started a group home and I just think that's so cool that they were able to do that. There are so many children that need homes but more importantly need to know that someone loves them, even if it isn't their own parents. I would love to run a group home or be able to adopt children. (I know many people say they want to adopt children when they get married but few actually apply and fewer still are acceptable candidates.) Of course this dream really depends on whether or not I get married and if God provides an income that would allow for a group home or adoption to be possible. Hence why it is a dream and not really a goal I have found worth pursuing or holding my breath for...yet.

Now, the burning question is am I on the right path to be able to achieve any of this? Am I right person even? Sometimes I wonder if I'm even good enough to consider myself able to be a mentor to a child or teen. I'm not eloquent and often don't know what kind of advice to give, let alone how to say it. I do find great comfort in the story of Moses and the burning bush when I think of my inadequacy of speech. Moses wasn't eloquent either. He stammered apparently. But God still choose him to be the spokesperson and leader to bring His people out of Egypt. I have a passion to lead and mentor middle and high school youth, girls especially. I've been told that not everyone is given that passion. It's like how it takes a special person to be a teacher. I've been told it takes a special person who wants to be around teens and pre teens and actually enjoys it. I honestly don't think God would give me this passion and not expect me to put it to use. I just hope I'm going about it the right way...